Beautifully Broken.

I looked frantically in my purse.  Somehow.  Somehow I knew before I even looked that it was gone.  Since I was little, I've had this sense.  This nudge in my soul that something is off.  So many times, regardless of how many times it's right, I ignore it.  To type it and tell the world, (or the 15 people that read this) I know in the deepest parts of my being when something is about to happen, that I turn a blind eye...seems crazy.  Disregarding the fairly clear warning has sometimes led me close to death. Other times, heading the call that a valley is coming, I found a safe shelter to weather life's most vicious storm with complete confidence. Tonight...it was just a quick check that life was going to get just a little more complicated.

Last night I sat in that performance, the church I love so dearly, and felt overwhelmed with pride for the sweet people in my life.  I swept tears of joy from my cheeks at the revelation I got to share this with my dear friend Lisa.  How crazy that, in listening to that inkling so many years ago to travel to Jordan, it would lead me to a job where I would find my soul sister.  A girl who hears me.  A girl who sees things so differently but accepts my vision.  A love that transcends and binds and brings us to a place at the end of our own ideas. An honest, life giving friendship.  A church that continues to bust through myths of what religion should look like and a congregation made up of beautiful sinners.  A true place for the broken.

I'm not shaken that my things could disappear at a church.  My church.  It's still my safe place.  It's still my home.  It almost makes it that much clearer to me.  The broken are welcome here.  We don't walk out of that place perfect...just with the opportunity to soak in what God wants for us.  Last night, I was frustrated about my phone.  I laid in bed.  I couldn't sleep, even with 2 days of no sleep from a sick babe.  I started to fight the negative places and talk to God.  Out loud.  I literally said, "God.  I trust You.  I trust that You will turn this into good.  I trust that You know me and You love me.  I trust You want good things for me." I literally thought, I'll come out ahead in this somehow.  Somehow I will come out unscathed.  And once again...God spoke in better ways.

In that moment I realized when I dumped my purse in the aisle at Crossroads looking for my phone, I didn't see my wallet in the playback.  This wasn't going to be clean ending.  This isn't what I imagined when I prayed that prayer.  I hopped out of bed and ran to my purse.  I dumped it out on my living room floor and started to sob.  I cried that my life just got a little harder.  I cried that I told God I trusted Him and the story got more dramatic.  This isn't what I had envisioned.  Silly me.  God's never done. 

Lisa showed me how to google call my credit card and debit card company (and made all the phone calls I couldn't!!!).  This morning I woke up to such wonderful encouragement and offers for phones and help.  Even still, I went back to bed after dropping Charlotte off to sulk.  The bits declined their morning show to lay with me, love on me, and bring me their most favorite stuffed animals...all the while telling me I was their favorite part of the day with their little hands holding my face.  My friend Kate made us the most delicious pancakes and bacon and fed my kids lunch.  She listened. She empathized.  Our angel tree donations were IMMEDIATELY covered by wonderful, willing souls.  My friend Kelley was the first to respond.  Not only did she drop off the gifts to me so we could wrap them and still enjoy the giving, she brought me wine you guys.  And gave me $20 in case I needed something before my new debit and credit card came.  

I have sat in this humble place wondering which words to use to express the way God continues to blow my expectations out of the water.  I read Jesus Calling for today and I cried all the tears.  I'll happily type it out for you if you would like.  But I'll leave you with the first and last line for today's entry: Your needs and My riches are a perfect fit.  Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find intimate completion in Me.

Merry Christmas friends.  If you want to know more of this Love, I'd be over the moon to tell you all about Him. His birthday is coming up and to say I'm excited to celebrate the day He graced this earth would be an understatement.  This man continues to grab my heart, put it back together, and leave it better than He found it.